First visit

First visit was, let's say, interesting.

Earlier that morning I had some mild curiosity about what traits she had gotten from her father. So, I checked my old Plenty Of Fish account where we had met up. Didn't contact him, just took a screen shot of his profile picture and logged off. Me, being the stupid 19 year old I am, sent them the picture thinking they would find it interesting. Needless to say, they flipped out and now they think that this uneducated, trailer park guy from the middle of nowhere is going to steal their baby.

I understand their fear. Totally realistic.

But they reacted in a way that now has me feeling physically ill about it.  I literally did not get out of bed until 3pm today. I sat there crying and worrying.
The stupidest part is, nothing has changed. He's had the opportunity and information necessary to find me for over 9 months. But now, we have to change my phone number, my online name, online settings and my families information.  I've had to take anything about my daughter offline and hide it like I'm ashamed of it. 

And I hate that.

I've asked a few adoptive mom's that I know, to see what I can do to ease their concerns. Apparently I've done all I can.

Seeing her was amazing. I couldn't possibly be happier about seeing her in her new home. 

At first it kind of freaked me out because it had been 3 years since I had taken care of a baby without a nursing staff, but once I got into it I fell right back into mommy mode.  My mom gave her a bath and we lotioned her up, fed her, and put her to bed.

That's when we discussed the photo from that morning.

We had gotten to their house at 6 and hadn't left until almost midnight, and I've felt sick since.  The guilt is going to eat me. I don't think anyone will sleep soundly until November when everything is finalized.

First week as a birth mom

A week ago I was still pregnant with my baby girl, liz and Burke were still  waiting for the "Thundercats are go!" text message, and everybody was happy. At about 4am Monday morning I went into labor and by noon my Sarah Kate was  born.

Skin to skin contact is very important for the baby's immune system and heart rate  (from what I've read. Please feel free to correct me if my info is wrong) as well as bonding.  I asked Liz to be the one that does that for our daughter.  Eagerly taking of her shirt, she held our daughter for the first time.  The bond they had was palpable in the room. At that moment I knew I had made the right decision.  Watching her hold this tiny little baby sobbing and smiling there was no doubt that they belong together. 

We had 48 hours together in the hospital. 48 hours of the most surreal emotions. 48 hours of being her mother. That time is something I will cherish for the rest of my life. 

At 24 hours the attorney showed up at the hospital with approval to do the paperwork outside of the courtroom. One thing I found surprising is that this attorney drew up the paperwork in what he called a "humane" way so the wording wasn't as harsh as I had been dreading. As I signed the papers I was comforted by the same feeling of rightness  I had felt earlier. Don't get me wrong I was definitely ugly crying and there might have been a snot bubble or two but I knew it was the right choice. 

Right before discharge, Liz and  Burke gave me a charm bracelet. Liz, Sarah Kate, and I all have the same bracelet with a single charm. Over the next 18+ years we will be adding to it as we experience life together.

Walking out of the hospital empty handed beside my baby and her new mom I wanted the floor to come and swallow me whole. Watching as they put her car seat in the car, I just stood there crying trying my best to hold it together. With the promise of a phone call the next day and one last kiss I let them go.

The second my car door closed a dam broke inside of me. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest. The image of their car turning out of sight playing over and over in my head. Holding my belly protectively, I wailed and cried all the way home saying things like "my baby" and  "she's gone" between sobs; my mom crying silently beside me. I cried so hard, I was dry heaving in the driveway.

The sense of numbness and emptiness hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know what to do with my arms without her in them. I cried until I had no more tears to cry. The rest of that day is a little bit of a blur.

Everyone keeps asking me how I'm doing and I don't really know how to answer. I do NOT regret my decision. I am happy for Liz and Burke, they have become friends over the last 8 months and deserve happiness. Yes, it's hard to separate their happiness from my pain and sadness but rationally I know that they are worried about me and care deeply.  I kept a blanket that smells like her and I carry it with me around the house. I feel guilty for not being a puddle on the floor. I've started Journaling in the form of letters to my daughter and I sign them Love, Mom. I allow myself to cry if the tears start, and continue on with my day. I don't know if any of this is the "healthy" way to deal but it's the way I'm dealing.

I get my first visit on the 30th and I feel like a kid counting down until Christmas.

Halfway!

Today marks the halfway point of my pregnancy. Officially 20 weeks along with a little girl, who will be named Sarah Kate. So in honor of this day, I've decided to start writing her birth family story so she can look back on how i made my decision, how much love its taken to come to the decision, and how much love has come into my life because of my decision. 

Finding out I was pregnant was a shock to the system. I'm not going to deny that I sat on the bathroom floor crying for a good long while, because I definitely did. I'm also not going to deny that I told my mom and sisters via Snapchat then refused to answer my phone. No one said being in shock is tactful or pretty.

Lots of people ask how this blessed miracle came to be, and quite honestly I still don't know how to answer the question. Quite honestly, I don't know his name, and I'm slowly becoming okay with that. If I could change anything about my current situation, i'd go back in time and get some details for my little girl to know who her father is but you cant go back, only forward. What I do know, is that this baby has been a blessing in the weirdest way possible.

The decision to place my baby was a long and hard decision to make. The process went something like this:

Oh fuck i'm pregnant... its okay, I can totally do it alone... I got this! I can be a single mom... I just lost my job...*reality crashing into me* maybe I don't got this... but its my baby I cant give it to someone else... yeah but all the single moms I know struggle... I still have things I need to do before I can settle down and raise a kid...whats better for the baby?... maybe i'll meet some families and see how things go... YES! these people are perfect!

Now, obviously there was more to it than that but that's the short version. 

My family has been very supportive in my decision. As far as I know, my father doesn't know and for personal reasons i'd like it to stay that way.

Big girls unite!

So yesterday my wonderful sister Jessica takes me shopping. She took me to a store called Torrid, this store is made for plus size ladies sizes 16-26. I got two pairs of Jeans and a really cute tank top.

The Jeans fit like a cloud caressing every damn curve of my body! And the wonderful part is -drum roll please- THEY DON'T FALL OFF MY ASS! Now I have a bootie that J Lo herself would be proud of. That song honkytonk badonkadonk was written with my butt in mind. So finding Jeans that 1) don't turn into a potato sack in less than 12 hours, 2) actually come up in the front (sorry ladies no one wants to see your fat rolling over your waistband) and 3) actually cover my badonkadonk during my sit down test, is pretty dang hard to find! The Jeans have enough elastic in them that they hold shape AND stretch to accommodate your voluptuous curves. This store is heaven sent! Anyway I thought I would share the news with everyone. Where do you guys shop? Is jean shopping hard for you?

What to do...what to do...

College seems to be the hardest decision I have ever attempted to make. In state or out of state? Dorm or home? Certificate program or degree? How the heck are ya gonna pay for it?!
So far I have looked into the DATC, Le Cordon Bleu Seattle, and the Art Institute of Seattle...
If I went to DATC i'm completely payed for. Get a degree, live at home and just commute to school. (i know this sounds like the best plan)
Cordon Bleu is one of the best culinary schools in the world. And also the school I have dreamed about since 3rd grade. But they only do a certificate program. Tuition is about $17,000.
The art institute has one of the best culinary programs in America. They also do legitimate degrees. For a whopping $43,000.
I'm approved for a $5,500 pell grant. I have no money saved up so I would have to work as well as be in school if I went anywhere in Seattle. The reason i'm looking into schools in Seattle is because I already have friends and family out there.
My friends are going on a road trip in June to Cali and have asked if I want to come with. If I go I have to save up a minimum of $500. I would also be forfeiting any Seattle schools to pay for the trip.
I can't decide between settling for a school with no importance to the culinary industry and my dream... What would you do? How did you guys pay for college?

My belief system.

I know this is a touchy subject for most people, and to those of you reading that know your going to get defensive, I ask that you are just as respectful to my choices and beliefs as I am to yours.

As a little back story, I grew up a member of  the LDS church in Bountiful Utah. I was an active member for 15-16 years, and have now been a less active/non active member for 1-2 years. With that being said, this post is not meant to disrespect the church or its members, its simply my brain going *splat* over the Internet.

lately I have been questioning my own belief system, what I hold most dear to my heart, and other priorities in my life. I have been researching different organized religions and other not so organized religions/ belief systems. the closest thing I have come to being able to label myself as is an Agnostic Theist. I believe there is no actual proof of a God and we will never have said proof, but I believe in God anyway.

The reason I am writing this and not keeping it in my head is because lately I have had some very important people in my life look and treat me differently than they did before. I've had people tell me that I don't believe in anything, I've even had a few "your already wearing black go Wiccan" comments. No disrespect to the Wiccan community but your belief system doesn't match up with mine, and that's OK  at least you believe in something. Personally I think you guys have gotten a bad reputation for whatever reasons but from the few Wiccan's I have met and actually talked to about religion with, I think you guys have your hearts in the right place for the most part. :) I would just like to announce to everyone, officially what I believe in so I don't have to repeat myself all the time.

1)      There is some sort of god

2)      Everything/ everyone has a purpose

3)      Life is a puzzle that can’t exactly be solved

4)      There is no absolute proof of god (probably for a reason [unknown])

5)      You have to work hard in life for what you want, nothing is handed to you

6)      Karma

7)      God/ Goddess etc.  Are basically good beings.

A)     Everything that happens is either karma or a lesson you needed to learn (no harm in knowledge)

8)      All Gods in organized religions are probably the same being just different personifications of each other with a piece of your own perspective. (no actual proof, just my own opinion)

9)      A stranger’s smile on a bad day has an impressive influence on the rest of your day.

10)   Women are more powerful than men. We have the ability to create the next generation.

11)   Nature is powerful and should be respected. It’s been here since before any of us were even thoughts, have some respect for your elders.

12)   Your attitude can affect your health

13)   Religion should be a personal thing not a group effort.

14)   Good and bad

15)   Heaven and hell. If you’re a basically a good person you’re going to heaven. If you’re a bad person in your core then you’re going to hell. But it’s not our place to make that decision for other people.

16)   Outward appearance doesn't matter as much as inward appearance. (takes some true talent to see the inner self of a person instead of the outer mask people hand out to the world [still working on this myself])

17)   Knowledge is the only thing we take to the other world. The lessons we learn are all we have.

18)   We are all related in some way or another so yes you’re with family no matter if you’re in heaven or hell.

19)   10 commandments are basic common knowledge things. What I’m not supposed to kill my neighbor? Wow new discoveries!  ;)

20)   The universe has signs to help you in life if you listen to them

21)   I believe in myself and the power I hold as a human being

22)   “Faith is like the wind, you can’t see it, you feel it.” – Nicholas Sparks

23)   Your home reflects on who you are. What’s going on in your brain usually manifests into how you live. (not always the case, no actual proof of this belief)

24)   Spirituality is different than religious. I am spiritual not religious.

A)     Religious is defined as “an institution established by man for various reasons. Exert control; instill morality, stroke egos, or whatever it does. Organized, structured religions all but remove god from the equation. You confess your sins to a clergy member, go to elaborate churches to worship, and told what to pray and when to pray it. All those factors remove you from god.”

B)      Spirituality is defined as “born in a person and develops in the person. It may be kick started by a religion, or it may be kick started by a revelation. Spirituality extends to all facets of a person’s life. Spirituality is chosen while religion is often times forced”

Source: (http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/mistic/mistic_10.htm)

25) Questioning your beliefs makes them stronger

26) There is some truth in everything

27) Meditation is good for your mind (a little peace and quiet never hurt anyone)

28) Having goals and dreams keep us driven in life

29) Love is love. I am strait with many gay/lesbian/bi friends. They pose no harm to us. If anything they will help the increasing number of children forced into orphanages. 

so that's what I believe so far. 

This is a very incomplete list that I will continue to add to, but for now that's all I've got. 

i shampooed and it was beautiful...

Today I was in the shower just rinsing my hair with water when I started thinking about the way my shampoo smells... I use the Costco brand shampoo, its vegan (if that really matters) and smells amazing. I stood there thinking about it for about 5 min. I even reached out of the shower and grabbed my phone to check how long I had gone without it. Two and a half weeks. That's as long as I could go apparently because I shampooed.
The lather and bubbles made me happy, as well as the smell of my conditioner... so I didn't even make it a month but I figure I made a good effort to try. I'm thinking ill do it once a month for a week and keep my hair from getting chemical buildup or anything. So I failed, but i'm ok with that because my hair smells and feels amazing! 

To those of you who actually did this for real, i'm very proud of you because that urge to shampoo is a strong one...